LIVE BLOG: VMAs 2017 [LWYMMD, soapboxes and humility]

THE PREAMBLE

Big fat umbrella question heading into tonight: Whose night will it be? The host? The big winner? Or a Swift?

If you have a God-given soul, you must feel a LITTLE bit badly for KP. She released a new album, announced a world tour, landed a gig as the new Paula Abdul (said no one ever) on American Idol (ahhh, ok.) and that landed her the role of HOST of the VMAs. Big deal. Shirley Temple cheers all around for her management team. Then, August 18th followed by the mother fuckin’ eclipse. Not THE eclipse, as in the one Neil DeGrasse Tyson jerks off to…the pop industry eclipse. Taylor Swift blacks out her social media on the 18th, and suddenly, we don’t give a Bill-Nye -Fuck about the sun-moon once in a lifetime thing. Taylor Swift might come out of hiding, and no one is averting their eyes. The snake video emerges, and outshines the aforementioned natural phenomenon.

Oh, to be a fly on the wall in Katy Perry’s camp. In times like these, I want to believe in reincarnation. Remind me – who do I have to pray to so that I can be a fly next? A very specific fly. The one sent on the mission (hurry! You only have 2 days gumshoe!) to overhear the conversation in Katy Perry’s condo/dressing room/Japanese doll decorated skype lounge…where Taylor Swift, with a 5 second video, just eclipsed everything she’s worked for this year. American Idol what? Swish Swish nope. New hair don’t care.

Tell me you get the shivers about the timing?! You do. It’s in your loins. 3 snake videos in 3 days, the new single drops on a Thursday taking us into a highly unproductive Friday, and then a Saturday that sees TSwift’s lyric video smash records on YouTube, take over Spotify, and dethrone Despacito on every chart for the first time in 10+ weeks. Now it’s Sunday, and the conversation around the VMAs is “will she, or wont she?” Dearest Katy. Take my advice. Don’t fuck with the sun.

So, go ahead and set the rules for tonight’s drinking game, or follow along with mine. I warn you, last year I almost finished two bottles of white wine…in a solo effort. I will raise a glass to following cup tipping moments: A Game of Thrones reference, an almost nip-slip, the mention or any imagery of a snake (let’s see how fast producers can pivot), a cut to a Kardashian or a Hadid, anything TSwift (a mention, an inference, a double entendre, an awkward KP shout out, etc.) a Canadian win (hometown proud!) and any cue card fumble. Let’s get Miley circa 2015 lit y’all!

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THE SHOW

If your bets were on Taylor showing up to open the show, well, you lost. But perhaps the only other person in music who could play in the same arena did instead. Kendrick Lamar. If you’re like me, you immediately draw the connection to what Nicki Minaj tweeted at 11:31 on Thursday “Be humble.” Support for Kendrick over TSwift.

Kendrick goes all Orange is the New Black meets Karate Kid meets the Dragon episode of GOT. There are people in jumpsuits, karate outfits, and a grown up Drogon’s belly worth of fire everywhere.  I asked the question out loud, “are durags back?” to which my significant other said, “Careful, your melanin is showing”. Fine. I’ll just take it from Kendrick.

Producers give us the first cut to one of TSwift’s exes in the audience. That should’ve been in my drinking game! Calvin Harris gets to witness (no pun intended) his former’s big night. If I’m the producer, I’m remembering where he sits.

TSwift’s BFF (which one?) Ed Sheeran follows with his British Busker Dancehall hit that jumpstarted his big year. Is that Katy Perry, Justin Bieber or Ellen Degeneres singing along (Ellen, confimed)? Side note, there are still a few campfire-sized flames on stage – should we be concerned, or is pyro the theme of the night? Silly me. Of course, it is #GOT #Sun #TS

And our first look at the loveable goofball, Katy Perry. She’s contemplating going to space because, what? Like it’s hard? The best one liners in this piece are “ugh, there’s no reception up here” “don’t go to space, you’re not an astronaut” delivered by Kevin Bacon. Yes folks, that was the cream of the crop from that intro. Now she’s “back on earth” and talking light politics while Jack Antonoff eats a banana. I guess that’s a decent reaction, I could go for banana. As in, leave, eat a banana and come back to a performance.

Paris Jackson mock-quotes Trump, and talks zero tolerance for the KKK. When did she get a soapbox to stand on? I mean, good for her but, is her deal Emma Watson or youngest Kardashian? I’m not totally sure to be honest.

She gives away the first award for Best Pop Video, to the best RBFs of the night, Fifth Harmony. Maybe it’s because their fifth harmony Camila Cabelo is slaying on her own? They say this a momentous moment, thank god, their moms, and DJ Khalid (I think..?).

Hailey Steinfeld (Oscar nominee! Girl of the moment last year!) almost cries introducing her dear friend Julia Michaels. This girl has a wicked back story. She wrote songs for some of pop music’s most successful acts, then went out on her own and used her own voice as the vehicle. If you’re counting, that’s TWO credits per hit song. Bank! She’s such a pure talent…Um. What the actual Farrah Fawcett FUCK!? They cut her off. They CUT HER OFF and went to commercial?! I have just used every swear word in my repertoire to describe the injustice of this. VMAs, you made me use very bad words in front of my dog and I will never forgive you for that.

No mention of this travesty but, I can’t think about it anymore because….Taylor Swift’s new video is debuting and I need all of my brain power. Give me a hot second folks. I need this.

…

Ellipses because I need to watch that video at least 35 more times. I can’t talk about it right now. But it makes my pop culture lovin’ heart flutter, I’m twitterpated. That video warrants a shot by shot breakdown, which I can promise will happen…but I need 35 more uninterrupted views.

Composure Christine. Shawn Mendes takes the stage – with his perfect blend of Sheeran and Bieber with a dash of Pickering Ontario. We needed to remind ourselves again that pop music is fun, jump up and down with your friends, a little swoon-ey, and doesn’t need pyro to be everything your beating heart desires. The crowd loves him as much as I do and that brings me joy.

The producers OBVIOUSLY don’t love girl shit like the rest of us. If I’m running the show, Katy Perry is the first person to speak after THE video reveal. They buffered with Shawn Mendes. Sigh. They just don’t want the same things we all do I guess. Or, they were strong-armed by the unicorns chewing bubble gum forces (my bet is on the latter). Opportunity missed IMO.

Katy Perry “goes through her voicemail” where she “learns” about the Fyre Festival from her super annoying sounding “biatch”. If I search my heart, I believe Katy Perry hangs out with people who sound like that on VM. Lord, we could all do without out this shit. A model and Lena Dunham’s BF introduce, my girl, Lorde. That onion ring alias on Instagram story is one of my favourites of the year.

Lorde puts in a tape (cassette tape for the under 20’s) and dances to her own song like she’s in her living room before her 80’s themed prom? Bold. She’s not known for her choreography – rather the spastic movements that accompany the manic nature of her songs.  But this is super fun. I’m into it. I imagine I do this when I come home after “just a few drinks” and I don’t want to go to bed yet. Well, and, the pizza is on its way. We learn later that Lorde could not sing live tonight because she was on IV fighting off a crippling flu.

Can the phrase “What’s poppin’?” un-happen? Please. Kanye’s backup dancer plays in nicely to my drinking game. #AlmostNipSlip She and Pete Wentz introduce Best Dance Video to Alessia Cara for Stay feat. Zedd! #DrinkUp Canadian girl making me proud, and a little tipsy. I love that she’s wearing…kind of what I’m wearing: Track pants, a tee, and day two hair. She ends her acceptance speech with the new hashtag of my life #ThanksHumans

Katy Perry avoids a TSwift reference again by throwing shade at Bieber, and then feeding DJ Khlad’s elephantine ego by letting him come on stage. He and his infant introduce Fifth (can we still call them that?) Harmony. They wear sparkle suits and throw down the splits! That along with a “ghost” dancer being thrown off stage are big “what’s good?” moments in their performance. CC is NOT in the audience, she will be next year if her songs continue to get the play they do currently.

Did they just introduce Ludakris as “from Fear Factor”? Wow. This is really IS a “what have you done for me lately” industry.

He introduces the award for Best Collaboration to Taylor Swift and Zayne BEATING OUT Calvin Harris and Nils, er, Rihanna. Jack Antonoff accepts the award and allows me to drink a few times with more than one shout out to my girl.

Jared Leto gives an in memoriam to Chester Bennington and Chris Cornell. He’s probably the best fit in the room. Good on the producers for recognizing this, and good on Jared for giving a candid and appropriately toned down speech. He waits for everyone in the arena to stand up and watch Linkin Park performing at the 2010 VMAs. Nice touch for an award show that doesn’t usually show such tact. Cite: Julia Michaels tonight. Sorry, that was disgracefully out of touch.

KP’s best video piece of the night is followed by the host lowering herself to “Katy Petty” talking about Twitter regrets. “Wink Wink”. There is nothing wink wink about it. I’ve heard Katy Perry describes as a “woman who has never known a metaphor”, meaning she is on the nose to a fault. So, she’s talking about Taylor is what I’m saying.

Miley takes the stage after her return to monogamy and long blonde hair. She stays weird enough though. I mean, if you think having octogenarians on the stage dressed like they still sip Singapore Slings on the old Vegas strip, backed by toddlers on motocycles reminiscent of The Lollipop Gang is weird enough. It doesn’t really compare to what we’ve become accustom to – flying rainbow space cats, the foam finger!? Whatever, I’m into it. She’s just being Miley.

Who is this ‘foo singing “nah nah nah nah nah nah” and grinding up against Pete Davidson (a minor player on SNL) to get back at her BF? Don’t care. Next Award is for Best Hip Hop video and there’s no one else in this category besides Kendrick. So, he wins by default.

 #NipSlip #drinkUP

Demi Lovato isn’t at the Forum to perform live, she’s with us via satellite in Vegas. Why? She could be there. She should be there. But this isn’t the first time the VMAs have used this ploy to include artists on tour – Bruni Mars took to the streets for a West Side Story-esque performance just a few years ago. I don’t think she’s on tour. I think she wanted a pool full of bikini clad “fans” in blow up pool swans on her set. Can’t blame her I suppose. I might ask for a pool, or blow up swans.

Pink performs a mash up of all her hits. Rant warning: Is it wrong of me to think it’s an easy composition to sew together? In my opinion, her songs all sound the same. This is not a popular decision, but I don’t think I’m wrong. I think I’m unpopular. Her voice is undeniable, I just don’t love that the song writing borrows from the principles of the School of Nickelback. #sorrynotsorry

Ellen is here to give Pink her Video Vanguard Award. It sounds like the crowd is more excited to see HER than the woman she’s handing the award to. But Ellen is the most popular person in ANY room, or at least Ms. Congeniality. And she drops a GOT reference. #DrinkUP #OneMoreForGoodMeasure

Pink stays in her lane and talks about the marginalized weirdos that she speaks for. Pink is the Lorax, you know. I don’t hate it. But I can’t forget that when she was on Oprah in the early 2000s she called out other pop stars for being bad examples to young women because they were vapid, weak, and overtly sexual. Double standards are dangerous Pink. Britney is no less a role model than you are.

The only thing that could stop me from ranting further would be ANOTHER artist cut off during a performance! A guy named Kyle. New artist, obviously…but that will never make this right VMAs! Maybe show Taylor’s video again when we come back from commercials. That’ll help.

Instead it’s Millie Bobby Brown handing out Artist of the Year. Ed Sheeran beats out some super big names, but then he deserves to be in that conversation. He is consistently an artist how can’t help but churn out hits. I never turn his songs off. That should say something.

Vanessa Hudgens is relegated once again to the role of “oh yah, her” presenter. Ooo! CanCon Alessia Cara takes the stage. I love how her message is visualized on stage. She throws off her dress to reveal basic black, tears off her wig and shakes out what I like to call “day two” hair, and aggressively wipes off her make up. Side note: there’s a master mechanic in my neighbourhood that routinely pulls her lyrics into their sign. “The World Can Change their Heart” is the most recent. #OhCanada

When was the last time we saw Ke$ha? She looks…different. I am not in the business of being mean, so I’m going to focus on the fact that she sheds light on some dark and important topics for young people. Alessia Cara doesn’t take a very long breather, she’s back on stage teaming up with Logic and the Suicide Hotline Toll Free scrolled across the screen and stage.

….and we’re back. KP gives me a double fister (that sounds weird, sorry) but she references GOT and Ed Sheeran’s “friend”. An annoying trio gives Best New Artist to Khalid. I do not know him. But, then, two years ago I said, “New Artist of the Year goes to Fetty Whip or something”. Traditionally, winners in this category go on to become pretty big so, I look forward to knowing who he is next year.

Best name in Hip Hop, Lil Yachty, introduces 30 Seconds to Mars (enter my Boyfriend who has been absent the past two hours). Hey! I found one instance where Jared Leto doesn’t look ridiculously good looking. When he uses infrared lighting. It’s cool, and the new song is a doozy, but the whole thing gets real tired real quick. I have spots in my eyes.

A descendant of Robert E Lee is a pastor and holy eff – did the VMAs just step in and attempt to make up for all of the non-speak from the current government? It has certainly done its part tonight. They just brought up Heather Heyer’s mom, and in answer to my original preamble question, tonight’s story has been about picking up the conversation, the conch even, to speak out and say what should’ve been said. Most artists and presenters have made mention or brought out their individual soapboxes to address these most recent issues. More on this later.

After an emotional speech by a mother mourning the loss of her heroic daughter, a scantily clad, barely legal nobody introduces Joe Jonas and the Pussy Cats or whatever. Everything about DNCE makes me cringe, add Rod Stewart in a silver lamé suit and all my muscles have collectively atrophied.

Wonder Woman, Gal Gadot caps off the night by presenting the award for Video of the Year to Kendrick Lamar. Please look up the Kendrick Llama meme. It’s the kind of wordplay that gives me the best chuckle. Kendrick has had QUITE the year, so this is a no brainer decision really.

Host duties include a contractual spotlight moment. So Katy Perry gets to debut her lame-o concept for her retaliation song Swish Swish (Bish?!). Swish. Basketball. Get it? Of course we do, we’ve already established that Katy Perry is the least nuanced person in pop music. Nicki Minaj wins for best lip-sync of the night. Dudes, you don’t sing, why are you concerned about tone quality?

The night started and ended with Kendrick. You could say then, that this was his night. But I stand with the conclusion I made earlier: minus a few gauche moments, this night was about pop music stars taking a stand for or against something because they have a stage to do so. This is typical behaviour at the Grammys and the Oscars (you know, the serious awards) but the MTV VMAs? This is new ground. The only thing about it that makes me uncomfortable is the awkward juxtaposition of Nicki Minaj in striped pleather ass chaps against a somber socio-political platform.

As I ponder my crisis of disconnect, I’m going to watch “Look What You Made Me Do” about a dozen more times.

Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth.

- Buddha