Where's Britney's 'B*tch'?

It's an important time for Britney. Don't ask "Britney who?" You know. You'll force me to answer with the lamest referential response, but I will, every time.

It's Britney, Bitch.

Those words used to have so much 'oomph', so much audacity, so much swagger. Does it remind you of something, or someone? Don't you think Beyonce would've loved to coin that for herself—particularly at this stage in her game? It's Beyonce, Bitch. That's Beyonce right now. 

But lately (for almost a decade) Britney is having trouble saying those words with anything close to the GI-Jane-suck-my-dick-gravitas that other female industry powerhouses can. Amy Schumer could say, "It's Schumer Bitch", Taylor could say "It's TSwift Bitch" (not that she would, lezzbe honest), even, sigh, Kim Kardashian West could throw down an "It's KimK Bitch", and we'd totally believe the dauntless air of empowerment from each of them. But Britney is fragile. She has the credentials, but lacks the credence. Where was the Britney Bitch when she lip synched her own Carpool Karaoke last week? Where was the Britney Bitch at the 2007 VMA Awards (I'm sorry, I can't unsee that. No one can.), and where was Britney Bitch on stage at the VMAs this year—when she, in an unfortunate game of scheduling roulette, was slotted behind Beyonce. These are the time she needs her Bitch most, and she consistently can't muster it. 

For some inexplicable reason—we let her back in. Like the prodigal son. It's almost biblical. We (that's me, that's you, that's all y'all late 80's kids) lie in wait with rose coloured glasses, prognosticating a divine comeback—the return of our generation's Bitch.

Well, her new album, "Glory", is pretty damn good. Admittedly, if I search my heart it's probably pleasing me the same way a new Selena, or Justin, or maybe a Halsey album would. It has that electro-pop sound that's so popular with the kids and hipsters these days. The pre-drop slow jam beat courses through your veins, forces you to sway, put your hands in the air, reminds you of outdoor concerts and summer festivals, and the hooks are solid ear worms. Seriously, listen to "Make Me..." one time. One time. But it's good; it's current. That's what Britney used to represent—the bar-setter (and raiser) of mainstream pop performance. It used to be art. 

Her pals over at RollingStone Magazine call her album "a fantastic comeback", describe Britney as a "true pop visionary", and reverently compare her recent phase of maturity to Madonna, and Elvis. I call that a rave review from the poetic penmen who have previously described Britney's work as, "...ginormously pumping uber-Euro uber-disco: sky-sucking synth streaks, a beat that sounds like blimps fucking and a thousand shirtless drunken sailors chanting along on the chorus." Damn, that gives me shivers. 

Here's where I defend her legacy. Not just because I'm clouded by the nostalgia remembering the first time I heard "Hit Me Baby One More Time" (at a roller rink in the suburbs east of Toronto, age 11), or because I have a compulsion to argue that she may have 5 of the best pop songs ever made in her repertoire. Her legacy and influence in this industry doesn't hinge on singular clumsy performances, awkward interviews or moments (ok, years) of clinical psychosis.

No.

This woman has been the most famous pop star in the room for two decades. She was Selena + Justin before they had all their adult teeth. She kissed a (Material) girl five years before Katy Perry released her naughty pop vehicle. She brought an anaconda onstage 13 years before Minaj attempted to. She has, by my count, 7 RollingStone covers (one can change or make a career). She makes $500K per show in Vegas, because she sells enough tickets to warrant it. She's sold 33 million albums in the U.S (I'll save you the Googling exercise—that's fourth among female artists, all time). My argument isn't longevity—it's originality. 

So yes, her 9th studio album is an important "comeback" for Britney. But I would argue, whether "Glory" smashes previous records, receives critical acclaim or stands up to other female pop acts in the industry right now, Britney's status remains unwavering.