LIVE BLOG: VMAs 2015 [squads, egos, and refer madness]

The preamble

Can we discuss the "leaked" seating chart? If you think that these decisions are made arbitrarily, void of strategy, merely by happenstance -- believe me when I tell you that there are teams of people behind these decisions. People are paid to get this shit right. Taylor Swift is sitting front and centre. Why? Because she’s going to clean up tonight. Also, she provides the most entertaining buffer cuts (Google: “Taylor Swift names her dance moves”. She knows. We all know.) Lastly, and this is the biggie, she is the go-to reaction cut away. When Justin Bieber takes the stage, they will cut to Swifty. When Kanye gets his Lifetime Achievement Award, over to T-Swizzle. When any of her squad (roughly 75% of anyone nominated) gets an award, Tay Tay will get air time. Watch for it. This isn't a placement made at random. Hell no.

Nick Jonas landed a spot two rows back of Taylor. Degrees of separation? 1. His brother dated Taylor and ended up in one of her best breakup songs (you can look it up, but I might as well just tell you: I knew You Were Trouble.) Joe Jonas --who broke up with my girl over a phone message that lasted 13 seconds -- is now happily banging, err, dating, one of her squad models Gigi Hadid. Also, sitting one row behind Taylor. Need even more relevance to Nick's spot in the audience? His former relationship with the host perhaps? Yes, in the Disney days, Nick and Miley were innocent puppy lovers. At least on paper. It has been revealed that the Jo-Bros introduced Miley to narcotics when they were tweens, although, there doesn't seem to be consensus between camps about that juicy tidbit.

Kylie Jenner is sitting beside Britney Spears. There is so much awesome in that pairing, I can't even begin to explain. You can’t imagine the conversations that allowed this to happen. Will they walk away BFFs? No. Absolutely not. I would bet my last dollar that the Kardashians were 100% behind the arrangement. Britney is royalty, or was. It never hurts to be associated with royalty. The Ks know that better than anyone, and sadly, part of me believes Britney just shows up these days.

Enough seating talk, I could go all night. I want to touch on a few emerging trends this year:

The colour bar carpet is the new red carpet.  I'm a fan. It's ridiculously good looking.

Slicked back, faux wet hair is the new blunt cut bang (..say that 5 times fast #NSFW). Not a fan. Never have been. These girls look like mermaids.

Former D-listers are the new hard hitting reporters. Featuring: Demi Lovato, Kelly Osborne, Girl Code Live (dafuq?!) They are asking the tough questions, like "What's popping witchu these days?", "Can we talk about the amazing dress you're wearing? It's literally amazing. Talk to me about how amazing it is." "I'm here with Nick Jonas, brought to you by Statefarm Insurance..." "Fans want to know: What would be scarier? Ripping your dress, or tripping on the way up to the stage?"

If you wondered, yes, T-Swizzle showed up with 9 of the most beautiful girls on the planet as her date. Cara Delevigne, Gigi Hadid, Selena Gomez, Karlie Kloss, etc. They came together, which drives me CRAZY to know what the pre-party was like, or the ride over in the Escalade. Can you even? I can't.

Worth mentioning - it has become an award show tradition for Taylor to premiere a video, at the VMA's it was her new video for Wildest Dreams, featuring Clint Eastwood's son in the role that he may become most famous for. Yah, he's got a few movies coming out this year, but a Swift video? Shrewd move. She has that effect on careers.

I love this video, and I loved this song on 1989. It quietly slipped into my tops from the album. It's 100% about sex. Finally. I've been waiting for her to stop pretending this doesn't happen to her. Taylor’s fans aren't 13 anymore, and we could stand to see her be honest. Girl gets some. Good for her.

With that, the show is about to begin - MTV has reportedly hired the best in the biz to have their trigger fingers ready to censor Miley (but not too much, they still want nip-slip ratings!)

The Main Event

Nicki Minaj opens. Yawn. A completely unoriginal choice. Last year she opened with Anaconda, remember snake-gate? In rehearsals, one of her backup dancers was literally snake bitten by her “prop” snake. It’s a fuckin’ anaconda sweetie, not a sock puppet. Jesus. Anyways, this song rhymes sexy with ready. In case you ever doubted her lyrical genius.

But wait! Taylor swift shows up on stage, proving that she can save any performance. This is critically important, right?! You HAVE to remember that these two had a girl on girl Twitter feud not a month ago. This is a “hoes before bros”, one love, girl power moment. A signature move, played to perfection because… they go right into Taylor’s FUCK YOU song, Bad Blood. I don’t need to tell you how well-crafted this moment is. I just did. Side note: Where is Katy Perry tonight..?

Next performance, Macklemore. Lib dub style, starting outdoors. Lib dubs tend to remind me of every musical ever made. There’s always that moment where the cast breaks into song, and people join in out of nowhere, nailing the choreography. This is very West Side StoryIMO. I don’t think that’s what he was going for…

Here comes Miley, down a rainbow slide. Of course. Miley isn’t really known for her command of the english language. But so far, she’s pretty on point. Good line delivery, confident. “I took this past year off from music to focus on my true love… instagram.” That’s good stuff. The first censor of the evening came at 1:48 into her opening monologue  #drink.

And she recreates the Oscar photo that broke Twitter last year, with a bunch of random things in costume, and Rita Ora eating spaghetti. They say “marijuana” instead of cheese. Of course.  Then she throws it to a VMA history maker, Britney. One name.

She walks out to Slave 4 U. Interesting choice. I don’t know why I say that, maybe because she’s had more recent hits, and if they were going for a throwback, she’s had much BIGGER hits. She reads her teleprompter like a good girl. Presents “Best Male Performance” - Bruno Mars, Uptown Funk.

Jared Leto is rocking the slick back, wet hair look. He looks like a Lagerfeld muse. For some reason he talks a lot about getting horny, and introduces The Weekend. But actually, if I’m honest, this guy’s tunes are doing it for me more and more this year. I’m on that train. And he’s a Toronto homeboy. #thesix

Guess who loves this song? Cut to Taylor in the front row (did I tell ya or what?!) She and her re-BFF Selena are getting down HARD in their sparkly crop-tops. So is Kanye. Good move producers - they should just split screen Taylor/Kanye all night...no?! God, hire me.

Rebel Wilson is the next to present, and she comes out wearing a police outfit. She immediately rips it off for her punch line about police strippers…?! Sorry to say, it didn’t land in this crowd. There were no cuts to Taylor, so I’m not sure what the popular response was. Sounded weak. She introduces Best Rap Video - Nicki Minaj, Anaconda. Nicki needs help getting up the stairs (a ruse so that she can extend the on-air time of her ass, no doubt. This isn’t my first rodeo.) She changes her accent 4 times during her 30 seconds on stage.

Miley save this.

Video segment: She has a sleepover with rappers. Truth or Dare, ghost stories, ouija board, TP-ing Meek Mills house...it’s pure gold.

Big Sean and Nick Jonas (match made in heaven?) present Best Female video - Blank Space, Taylor Swift. It’s the first award of the night she’s been nominated for - so 1 for 1. Hugs her girls hangin’ in the front row. Kanye pretends to stand… lame attempt. She looks hot as shit in her gingham gold crop top jump suit. This year, she belongs. Kanye can’t even throw the Beyonce card. She’s got nothin’.

Miley returns. #drink #drink #drink #drink

Haley Steinfeld (the chick in Pitch Perfect 2, also a member of the Tay-squad) bums her lines, proving that reading can be like, super hard guys. Demi Lovato takes the stage (name one of her songs?) Looks like she’s really bucking the trend. Wet hair, dominatrix garb, Pretty Woman hooker boots, pelvic thrusts, euphemisms for orgasms...and a collab with Iggy Azalea. They pretend to have a less-than-platonic relationship on stage before writhing with sexual frustration in a deluge of confetti. Message received.

Next performance, Bieber’s new track. He hasn’t released anything in almost 2 years. Did you notice? This song does get stuck in my head more often than I’d like to admit.  It reminds me a lot of the JT Sexy Back years. Where Are You Now was written for him to have time to break it down with his sick MJ-esque moves. It’s a very good song live. Side note: He’s getting tall and lanky. All limbs. When did this happen?

I’m disappointed. No cuts to the unofficial audience rep (Swifty is the barometre for success, keep up!). Knowing what I know about this biz, I’m willing to bet this was a specific request from the Bieber camp.

There’s a really weird spoken word moment in this song that ends with Justin pretending to pray for forgiveness, and then breaking into tears. This renders Miley’s next joke very very flat. She asks him when he’ll be legal, and thrusts her hoo-ha at him. He’s still having a God moment. Again, no reaction from Swifty and the squad. Opportunity missed (or artfully dodged) IMO.

Out comes two people I don’t know. But a shout out to Taylor Swift, and the crowd is on their side. Seriously. Power.

They present (ready for this?)  Video with a Social Message - Big Sean, One Man Can Change the World.

Miley does brownies with Snoop Dogg in another video segment. A little lame. I’ve never had weed brownies induce hallucinations like an LSD. But, ok.

Kylie Jenner, the latest most annoying member of “the family”, stands beside NeYo in a macrame dress, and speaks words. ‘Atta girl. They introduce the next performer, that chick that sings that song. Tori Kelly. She’s another Scooter/Bieber find, so this is her coming out party. I guess.

Time to finish up this bottle of wine. The Vanguard Award is being presented to The Man, The Artist, The Culture Definer, The Icon, The Truth, The Shit. Kanye West finally gets a boost to his self esteem. Poor man is starving for it. Guess who is bestowed the honour of giving it to him? One guess. Okay two. Taylor Swift.

I’m not sure that I love this. I’m all about forgiveness, but this seems small, not big. I don’t know, maybe it’s awesome and I’m a terrible person. What WAS awesome, was Swifty’s impression of his infamous interruption. Word for word.

By the way. Perhaps the most telling example of the power shift since “the event” - Kanye spends 70% of his speech slot talking about it. He ends with a *yawn* mic drop, and the statement “I have decided in 2020 to run for President.” Of course you have.

Miley’s back, and I’ve finished off a bottle of wine. I guess my drinking game is over.

John Legend seems like a square. Sorry, that’s the wine talking. He just always brings the mood of the room down. We’re having so much fun, then John Legend starts talking about serious shit. It’s the VMAs John… let us talk about weed brownies without thinking about social injustice. #terribleperson

Pharrell performs in a French mime costume (?) and it’s a bit of letdown if I’m being real. He has a knack for earworms, and the Freedomsong is no exception. But been there, done that Pharrell. Get out of Tin Pan Alley.

Rita Ora presents Artist to Watch - Fetty W-- (or something? I guess the point is that I WILL know him next year…)

Miguel and a towering Gigi Hadid introduce 21 Pilots. Censors are getting a workout during this one.

Ice Cube and his look alike son take the stage (guesses as to how many Straight Outta Compton references they land? 3. in 20 seconds.)Video of the Year - Taylor Swift, Kendrick Lamar, Bad Blood. Hugs all around in the front row. Hey Make a Wish, this is my wish. Jesus, they are having so much fun. The whole squad goes up on stage. Taylor refers to her friends as “women”. This is subtle, but big. Notice the shift. Her core demographic used to be girls. Now, her friends are women. She’s making that leap and declaring an end to “girl problems”, and “girl shit”, and “girls vs boys”. Her final statement is a good one, very on brand: “ I’m just happy that in 2015, boys can play princesses and girls can play soldiers.”

We’ve been promised that the show is coming to a close with a performance “people will be talking about”. So, it’s Miley then? Yes.

New fight song lyrics: “Yeah, I smoke pot, yeah I love peace, but I don’t give a FUCK, I ain’t no hippie”. She goes all Rocky Horror on us, bringing out a cast of characters wearing Pop Art costumes. They have a pretty sick dance party on stage. She may be the only person having as much fun as the Swizzle Squad tonight (but probably not, lezz be honest.)

That’s all folks. For those of you who placed bets on the show’s length? It ran exactly 41 minutes over time. Which gave me time to enjoy more wine than I expected to drink, and reflect on all that went on here tonight. I wouldn’t say there were many surprises, unless you had your fingers crossed for anyone else nominated in Taylor’s categories, or thought Miley might not use any drug references. Everyone came out looking damn good. There was harmony. yes, the balance has returned to the animal world (small Mean Girls shout out there…) but I think it’s pretty clear who reigns in this pride.