Preamble:

When I awoke to hear the news of David Bowie’s passing, for a second I felt humbly apologetic for letting my Award Show guilty pleasure consume me for almost six hours yesterday. Why did I give such a fuck about banal red carpet interviews, glam cams, and wishy washy predictions? Why did I order in, put on my Award Show-watching outfit (think flannels, cabin socks, and an embarrassingly worn beyond its expiration date hoodie) and let hours of rich-people-ass-kissing fluff entertain me? The truth is, I was ashamed that I cared so much.

I let the dust of the aftershock settle. I read the lyrics of a few favourite Bowie albums cover to cover on the subway and tried to let them speak to me. Comfort me. Provide wisdom from the Glam God himself. It struck me that he was both a critic and a consumer. An outsider and an insider. High and low art. Polarization and unity. He will always and forever be a symbol for bold artistic exploration. The way I see it, fame is a consumable art–a product of pop culture. Bowie abhorred the hollowness and vacuous apathy of fame-culture, but he treated the social construct of fame as an art. So, my pledge in memory of Bowie is that my consumption of fame will never be passive. I will not dopily let pop culture become white noise; my commentary will be intentional, not asinine. That doesn't preclude me from enjoying the fatuous pomp and circumstance–that can’t be avoided–but will serve as a reminder to watch as a voyeur with purpose. As all great art is subject to criticism and discourse, so too is fame.

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There were a few things I was looking for specifically in this, the 73rd, Golden Globes. I make no apologies for saying this, but most of them weren’t expressly related to “who will win”. C’mon. I’m no Norma Rae. I can’t be the only one who was waiting to see people squirm in their seats as Ricky Gervais taunted the FCC. I’m certainly not alone in my obsession over Power-BFFs Jennifer Lawrence and Amy Schumer (by the way, they totally filled the besties IRL void left by Tina and Amy). And I can’t possibly have been the only person who noticed that Ryan and Rachel were in the same room, Leo and Kate were making my 90’s throwback dreams come true, and that even with all of the foreign language films and mini-series supporting actors whose names you don’t know in the crowd, the biggest head scratching, “why the eff is she here?” person in attendance was Katy Perry (and she was wearing a cheap As Seen On TV “Bump It” in her hair).

The parametres of my drinking game were set appropriately: any Star Wars reference, celebrity trying to pretend they don’t think Ricky is funny, awkward camera linger on an actress’...erm...assets, dainty actress who legit can’t figure out how to open the envelope, and every 3 minutes the show goes over time. I got really drunk this year. I kept it classy with wine though, so, that hardly even counts. #LiesHousewivesTellThemselves

Ricky Gervais was back to host this year after a few years on hiatus as Tina and Amy became the “hosts with the most”. They raised the bar–maybe a little too high. Gervais gets credit for a few laughs early on in his monologue. The part about using the Golden Globes to pleasure himself was Ricky at his best. Crude, flippant, yet still (somehow) lovable. I didn’t think he needed to go for the obvious as much as he did, i.e. Caitlyn Jenner, Bill Cosby, Sean Penn. But, I greatly appreciated the writing on his female vs male pay scale criticism. “I’m making exactly the same as Tina and Amy did last year. Sure there’s two of them and one of me, but that’s their own dumb fault for splitting it.” It’s good. Real good. I was disappointed, then, when he went back to the same old schtick each time he was on stage after the monologue. He would sigh, ask the crowd to “shush” and bemoan the very existence of this exercise as if it was some torturous form of community service. Believe me, I think he’s an inspired choice to host this sort of thing. He is exactly the opposite human being than most people in the room. He’s cut his teeth in this town on being low brow, gritty, indignant, and calling celebrities on their shimmering shit. However, to me, this comedic style verges on ill-prepared. I absolutely love watching the obvious preparation of Tina and Amy as hosts. Those ladies worked it...hard. Ne’er taking a joke off. The pace, the timing, the writing–every aspect of their delivery was always on point because it had been painstakingly created, edited and practiced. Remember this gem? “The Hunger Games was one of the biggest films of the year, and also what I call the six weeks it took me to get into this dress,” quickly followed by, “Ang Lee’s been nominated for Best Director for Life of Pi, which is what I’m going to call the six weeks after I take this dress off!” High five. You can’t tell me Ricky put in nearly the same amount of commitment to perfection.

Most categories are redundant in a night where most people tune in to see the results of five major awards. However, this year, there was a lot of buzz over potential winners in minor categories too. I attribute this largely to the divergent nature of TV in the current zeitgeist. The new reality is that network TV is no longer the monopoly, or the only cash cow for awards in this game. Shows that deserve recognition for their audacity are leading the pack. Gutsy isn’t constrained by censorship or critical acceptance in the same way as it is on ABC/NBC/CBS (take your pick) primetime. That’s why we’re tuning in and seeing people like (ex-Youtube celebrity) Rachel Bloom not only at the same table as “legitimate TV stars”, but actually walking up to receive the hardware! She did not have the polish of a Gina Rodriguez, Lily Tomlin or Julia Louis-Dreyfus (all of whom were nominated in her category), but that’s what made it memorable.

Amping up the “must-see” factor, was the fact that in each category there were a few serious contenders, and at least one double-take-what-the-eff nomination. Lady Gaga won a Golden Globe last night. How do you think Kirsten Dunst (in her triumphant return to the biz) and veteran Felicity Huffman feel about that choice? Just a thought, Golden Globe awards (or Oscars, or Emmys) should be like passports–you should only receive one with your legal, given name on it. I think that would have helped Lady Gaga to be taken more seriously for her remarkable work as the Countess on American Horror Story. If she had shown up as Stefani Germanotta, we’d be talking about a career defining moment, which is what I believe she wanted to do with this nomination.

Aziz Ansari tried to land a joke about his chances, but it wet-noodled because the darkhorse in his category won instead of Jeffrey Tambor. Everyone predicted Tambor FTW–I’m sure he had a speech prepared (and folded a few times to make it look like last-minute jotted notes on a napkin).

I think we can all agree that the movie about Steve Jobs won more than we would’ve assumed. It lacked critical and audience acclaim, yet Alan Sorkin won for his screenplay and Kate Winslet won for Best Supporting Actress. I’m not upset about the latter. I’d give Kate an award every time, but she was up against Jane Fonda and Helen Mirren and I’m not a serious foreign journalist that has supposedly seen all the best performances of the year.

So fast forward to the Big Six: Best Actor (TV/Movie), Best Actress (TV*/Movie), Best Film. That’s five, but see the asterisk? I’m adding the Best Actress in a Movie (comedy) to this list because… JLaw and AShu were one of the central storylines of the night.

Best Actor in a Television show (drama) - Jon Hamm for Mad Men

A solid (if not safe and typical) choice by the HFPA. This was the final season of Mad Men, Jon Hamm has been lauded for his portrayal of Don Draper and nominated for a Globe every year since 2008 (the year he also won it for the first time). So it makes sense. I’m going to dip below the belt for a second because, I can’t get past the talk of him never wearing underwear. I find I’m always undressing him with my eyes, or secretly hoping for some sort of Kravitzian wardrobe malfunction. I’m the only one? Ok, fine.

Best Actress in Television show  (drama) - Taraji. P. Henson for Empire

The sole nominee representing Empire. Remember last year? It was like the fucking Empire-show, the cast was everywhere, they were the go-to buffer shots between presenters and coming back from commercial, they were the unmistakable cool kids at the table. This year, Taraji won for her portrayal of Cookie–whom she reminded us was an ex-con and drug dealer, as if it’s INSANE to think she could win for a character like that. Um. Where have you been sweetie? That’s EXACTLY the kind of role that gets you awards. Cookie please! I also have to mention that I was put off by the fact that she used the exact same punchline in her acceptance speech as she was farming out all night in red carpet interviews. If I hadn’t watched three or four hours of pre-show I may not have been so hard on her. Congrats TPH.

Best Actor Movie (drama) - Leonardo DiCaprio for Revenant

And the crowd goes wild. At long last, Leo starts (yet another) strong campaign for winning his elusive Oscar. This is the first award on his path to the big statue. But he doesn't care...right? Right. Say it in the Honey Badger voice…”Look at Leonardo sitting there in his fancy tux. Leonardo doesn’t give a shit. Nooo. Leonardo owns like eight yachts. He fucks models as often as he showers. Leonardo doesn’t give a shit.” Trust. He does. And this is “his” year. If he wins, everyone lets out a sigh of relief. If he loses, everyone gasps and it’s a story until his next nomination. More than winning, he wants to get that bull off his back.

Best Actress Movie (drama) - Brie Larson for Room

If you’re Canadian, you should be cheering for any award given to Room. There is so much Canadian connection, we can in good faith pretend it’s like a win for the entire country. I haven’t seen the movie yet, so I can’t weigh in on the performance, but the character in the book is certainly worthy of being brought to life on film, and I’m happy to hear that Brie did the role justice. And she beat out Award circuit darling Cate Blanchett and her co-star Rooney Mara (both will be contenders for the Oscar too, btw. I wouldn’t rule out a win in February for one of them if Carol picks up late steam).

Best Film (drama) - Revenant

A no brainer. Why? Because its Director and Lead Actor won their categories and the HFPA is consistent with their scoring criteria. If a film has the best director, and the best lead actor of the year in film, then it goes without speculation or discussion that the film is the best of the year. It’s simple logic. The Academy doesn’t always follow suit.

Best Actress Movie (comedy) - Jennifer Lawrence for Joy

Okay. You wonder why I would throw in a brief commentary about a sub Big Five award? Because. The latest squad in Hollywood is Jennifer Lawrence and Amy Schumer. This is just fascinating to us as the BFFness of Tina and Amy, on screen and off screen relationships like Brad and Angie, Ryan and Rachel, Adam Cohen and Rachel Bilson (The O.C. power couple) Benifer, Tom and Nicole (before he was creepy)...and on and on. We love this shit. Well, like, at least, I do. But this is even better. This is a pair of ladies that we can believably visualize hanging out, drinking beer (not the lite versions), talking shit about old boyfriends, painfully singing from their “best of the 90’s” playlist, staying up too late and waking up with a serious hangover for greasy spoon “brunch”. Right? I want in to that girls club. Maybe even more than I want to audition for Taylor Swift’s model squad. Give the producers credit for sticking them at the same table, letting them present together, and then pitting them against each other in the same category. The story can’t always write itself.

Even though Jenn (I can call her that, we’re short-name basis in my head) has been campaigning hard for Amy to win, the HFPA gave their prize to her this year. I think it was the right decision all things considered. Those of you who know me should also be aware of my infatuation with Amy Schumer, so that statement may come as a surprise. But I’m pulling my Hat of Reason out of its box and wearing it for a hot second. Amy is far too new. She came out of nowhere (unless you’ve been binge watching her stand up for years as I have) and released a sleeper hit R-rated comedy that shot her to instant superstardom. But the duo of Jenn and David O’Russell is an award winning recipe. I loved Jenn’s final remark, “David, I love you. Like, for real. I wanna be buried next to you. Thank you.”  

There were plenty of juicy moments–teleprompter flubs, censorship fails, peanut gallery “whoop whoops” when Ryan Gosling and Brad Pitt presented, the awkward tete a tete between Ricky Gervais and Mel Gibson, and the fantastic writing and delivery of Eva Longoria and America Ferrera’s presenters speech (look it up, it may have been the best of the night).

The next truly epic TV-watching marathon is slated for February 28th when the Oscars roll out their red carpet (beside a mall, did you know that? Somehow I think Bowie would’ve chuckled at the paradox of that).