Taylor Swift: Hire Me

Let’s play some make believe and make our fairy tale loving Taylor proud.  Yeezus Tay Tay, just put me in the squad already. Pretend you’re sitting at the table where Reputation singles and release strategy is discussed. If you practice the pop culture religion as, well, religiously, as I do, this is a very serious game. Omigod, what are you wearing? Never mind. Totally separate conversation…

Having listened to the album as many times as I have (which I can safely assume everyone else around this table has done), what’s your pick for first, second, third single? Would you agree with LWYMMD first, ...Ready for it? second, and Gorgeous third? Are you nodding, going along with the majority? That’s how it played out IRL, but that's not what we’re talking about today. Pretend it’s you advising Taylor (breathe, breathe), and you had the final say. What’s the first and all important line up of singles? In this business singles sell albums, so your choice has a grave reverberating effect.

Before we get serious, I need to make sure that we are playing from the same deck of cards. We aren’t choosing favourite songs from the album. Clean is my favourite 1989 track, but I wouldn’t release it as a single. Even though I want everyone to love the nuances of that song as much as I do, it would never sell an album and I’ve accepted that. It is one of the pieces that makes 1989 one of the GOAT pop albums - it’s a classic final track and honestly, I cannot tell you people how many times I’ve listened to it on loop. Like, I can’t. It’s shameful. Back to the conversation of singles - they are rarely the “best songs” of any given album, just remind yourself of that as you pick apart my choices and make yours.

Here goes. If it’s me, sitting at that table with Taylor, and probably her mom, and her new bayyyybeee (inside reputation reference there.), and top dogs from the Big Machine label (women in power suits, and chesty men wearing sport coats and blue jeans with faint southern drawls), here’s how I’d release her singles:

1. This is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things

I would have three major arguments for choosing this as the first single. First of all, it has all the watermark Taylorisms we have come to know and love (fine, obsess over). An anthemic squad of singers, check. Fairytale/Americana references (“Feelin’ so Gatsby for that whole year...”), check. Life themes  (...this song is about Kanye. I didn’t have to spell it out, but I wanted to make sure you got that.), check. A funny sounding pronunciation, (“...and here’s to my bayyy-beee…”), check. A spoken word line, plus a cheeky chuckle, check and check!

My second contention is that it is quite simply a stronger song than LWYMMD, but pretty much exactly the same thematically. Look at the lyrics side by side and tell me I’m wrong. I am not wrong. It’s a revenge song reminiscent of We are Never Getting Back Together, that with one hand sticks its metaphorical middle finger in the air, and with the other, holds a champagne spritzer with a flamingo stir stick. This rallies the troops. This is the call to arms that the Taylor Nation can get behind wearing cat shirts and red lipstick. LWYMMD shut down that kitty brigade; the track was intentionally disruptive but inadvertently divisive, saved only by its video. If I had fallen upon that song as the 6th track listing, I would enjoy it. Really. It’s exactly the kind of pulsating, pop-aggressive songs that I can blast in my headphones right before I go into the office to help me slay my first meeting of the day. This is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things is the Shake it Off of Reputation, and the We are Never Getting Back Together of the RED album.

Finally, I would win over Taylor and mom with this last assertion: a rose by any other name. I could’ve made a strong argument that I Did Something Bad would be a perfect first single out of the gate, but guess what tips the jar? The name sucks balls. It’s dumb. You cannot come out of hiding as a bad ass with a song called I Did Something Bad. It’s pop suicide, and I don’t know why in god's great name someone didn’t tell her to rename it. How about just “Something Bad”? Don’t get me started - maybe that’s another game of make believe we can play together some other time. But the title of the track means something, and this is Why We Can’t have Nice Things is absolutely 2017 genius. It’s so on trend, it’s perfect for her demographic, it’s already a viral construct, and...fucking leave it to Taylor Swift to turn a beloved meme into a damn good song. I bow down.

2...Ready For It?

I have thick enough skin for the onslaught of insults I’ll take for this choice. The pick seems safe, and a little too agreeable...right? Well, I think the Tay-Team got it right releasing this track as the second single. It’s a solid second release. Remember that Blank Space was the second single off of 1989, piggybacking on the colossal success of Shake It Off. Are you starting to settle down and see the logic I’m using? Stop throwing shade for long enough to see that ...Ready For It? is VERY Blank Space, just as This is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things is pretty freakin’ close to Shake It Off stylistically, and even contextually. My advice to Taylor would be: first you need a dancey banger (I barely knew her…), then you can release something grittier. Blank Space is pop music gold, but there’s a friggin’ reason why it wasn’t the first release. Trust.

Ready For It? should’ve acted as the first look at the “new Taylor”, or a glimpse into some of this albums sonic influences: electronic, hip hop - or hip “pop”, and synth. It’s not the best song on the album, but kindly remember, we’re not talking about that. The second release has a very distinct role to play, kind of like a middle child, as a follow up to the first (ideally) smash hit. What happened in this case, was that people were hoping the second single would be better than the first, or at least “more old Taylor”. We wanted a role reversal, whereby the expectations of the middle child was for it to be the first child. That’s what happens when you fuck up your first choice.

Heading into my third choice, I should tell you, this one caused me a buttload of mental anguish, and emotional conflict. I’m sure you’re feeling the same thing, so, we share an unspoken bond now. 1989’s third single was Style - how the actual fuck will the third single off this album ever live up to such lyrical virtuosity as “You got that James Dean daydream look in your eye, and I got that red lip, classic thing that you like…”? We can all agree that Gorgeous was one hundred percent the wrong choice...right?

Don’t Blame Me

This song NEEDS to be on the radio. It’s actually painful how good this track is. I’m genuinely in pain when I listen to it. So. Good. But that’s not the reason I chose it for the third slot, over say Delicate; this song is such a different sound for Taylor, but not in a provocative way. It shows growth and maturity in a way I’m not sure any other song on this album does. Adding electronic rhythms and hints of dance hall isn’t exactly fresh right now. It puts you in the same category as Selena Gomez, or Hailee Steinfeld - both are good pop acts, but they’re not exactly the ones pushing the genre further in any concrete or sustainable way. Feel me? Don’t Blame Me, at its peak, takes us to church. But it’s still so fucking sexy and laid back groovy a la Style. It’s also going to be crushing live. I can’t wait to see it quietly bring down the house in concert...and it will.

I’d be remiss if i didn’t say that I hate the title of this song. Delicate is such a pretty word. Don’t you wish Don’t Blame Me had a better title? Sorry, but it matters. Taylor should talk to her buddy Ed Sheeran about titling best practices. He knows. He knows it matters.

Look. The reason we are playing this little game is because I cannot stress enough how important singles are to the acceptance and ultimately impact of an album. 1989 will forever be considered one of the best overall pop albums of all time. Y’know why? That album had 7 (!!) single releases that landed top of the charts. Those singles proved that close your eyes, pick a song from the album, it could be a hit song. They were all hit radio play songs (except Clean, but you already know how I feel about that song. It’s special.) But it kicked off with the starting line up: Shake It Off, Blank Space, Style. Helluva line up. I think Reputation is just as great an album. I really do. But I take issue with the fact that the first single (in particular) was chosen because it was the most aggressive “fuck you Yeezy”. It was a highly emotional decision, and I blame everyone sitting around the table making that judgement call.

I stand by my choices. I have to assume the singles were debated, and strategized, and pined over by people far more knowledgeable than I am. In the end, the proof is in the puddin’...if Taylor wanted a song to break the internet and be the ONLY topic of conversation throughout the months of August/September. She did that. If the goal was shattering album sale records? She did that too. Guess she had the right people at the table.