Chris Brown had police waiting to take him to another Mug Shoot this month after his show in Miami. This is already the most Hollywood of stories. Can't you just see a Horatio Crane lookalike in a full Khaki linen suit rocking Raybans and holding a dossier of Mr. Brown's run-ins with the law? Stay with me.

He holds the door open patiently, the celebrity goes from bowing to an adoring crowd to bowing his head to get into the backseat. Without breaking his stare, the police officer dryly delivers a line like, "Finder's keepers", or "A different crowd is waiting for you now, kiddo." You see it go down like that don't you?

If you're staging this for TV and you're in the props department, you'd need to do your research so that people like me don't catch glaring inconsistencies. The first thing I would look for is how many pages the dossier or rap sheet is. Chris Brown has had 18 police incidents in 9 years. Without the use of a calculator, that's two incidents every year since THE incident with Rihanna in 2009. Do your work. Look up those gruesome images of a battered woman at the hands of her then-boyfriend. It's important that you don't forget those images, even though Rihanna has spent the past 9 years building her image as a global icon for sexual empowerment, strength, and desire. Remember remember the 8th of February.  If only to remind ourselves that behind the celebrity, there is a human, beating heart. Even with all the money in the world, the adoration of millions, and the glistening facade of preeminence...there is pain, there is blemish, there are real-life issues that we can't hide behind a body of work. 

I was taught never to bury the lead, so make sure you read that introduction with full social consciousness, do your homework, and then come back for the lighter side of the article. The next part is the "Scientists are emBARKing on a study to find out if dogs know it's their birthday!" after the missing girl's remains are found story on the news. 

We know about Chris Brown's sorted past with the legal system. We almost giggle when we remember that Boy George has spent time in jail. We were there for the hot second Paris Hilton spent in the slammer. Celebrities and crime are synonymous. The best part about being born after 1816 (the first successful photographic image) is that we have a complete photographic history of celebrities and their criminal activities. Oh come on, it's at least in the top 5 reasons you're happy about being born after 1816. Smallpox is up there too. 

The term "criminal activity" is clickbait in some of these cases because Cher probably shouldn't serve time for her, erm, grievance. But let's get into this shall we? Here's a list of celebrities you may not know to have a dark criminal past:

Cher - Driving without a license
She was 13 years old, can you even? This is the best under-reported, oft-forgotten story! Before she was famous, asshole tween Cher borrowed her mother's car and ended up with a mugshot. 

Mick Jagger - Amphetamine possession
Juicy juicy stuff. Apparently, the police were tipped off that house-party-goers might be engaging in activities of the marijuana persuasion. And they were. Of course they were. Oh, and look it up: Police notes from that night cite that there was a woman by the name of Marianne Faithfull naked and wrapped in a fur rug during the raid. 

Al Pacino - Possession of a Concealed Weapon
My mind has a hard time pulling itself out of the gutter to explain this one. When Al was 20, he and his pals were pulled over by police because they were wearing masks and holding guns. Today, Al Pacino looks like a Grandpapa who orders pizza from the same place every Tuesday and can never remember his password for the internets. But as a young man, I have no problem envisioning him playing Mob make-believe games with real fuckin' guns. Oh, and in his mugshot, he has a popped collar. Of course he does. 

Suzanne Somers - Passing Fake Cheques
Yikes, this one seems a bit sad. That is until you remember that she was making BANK as Chrissy on Three's a Company in the 70's and 80's. Charges were eventually dropped when -get this - she agreed to reimburse the recipients in full. That was easy. 

Larry King - Grand Larceny
In all honesty, I need to let you in on a little secret of mine. If I was going down for ANYTHING, I hope it would sound as cool as "Grand Larceny". Holy eff that's baller. But it's Larry King - the suspender-wearing gargoyle from late night CNN! I never studied law (but I've watched more Law and Order than I'd care to reveal) so I had to look up what the charges meant: Larry was unable to pay back the money he owed a financier he was doing some work for. Womp womp. Sorry, but Grand Larceny should be much more interesting than that. 

Tim Allen - Cocaine Possession
Um. The Santa Claus got caught with snow in his nose? That's perfection. It's too good. I have nothing more to say.

Do these celebrities criminal pasts give you the shiver down your spine that Chris Brown's 18 counts of violence do? Yes, celebrities do really bad things (OJ, Mike Tyson, Robert Blake, Syd Vicious...I see you.) but do we have to wait until this guy murders someone to put him away? How about this question: does he have to murder someone for his songs to stop getting played on the radio, or for fans to show up for a concert?

Remember remember the 8th of February.